Int(e)r(a)personal

He hates himself; he is never lonely.
I love myself; I am always lonely.

Sugar and Spice and Everything Nice

I know it was suppose to be a compliment.

Today my Uncle commented on how pretty I looked in my dress in light of my previous tomboyness, and my mother quickly jumped in to report how “girly” I’ve become. Somehow, I felt offended and I’m not entirely sure why.

It’s true that my discovery of polish is relatively new. I never wore a dress or skirt between the ages of 6 and 16 unless absolutely necessary. I never wore makeup until I was 17 and even then it was just eyeliner  and lipgloss worn sporadically. Now I have a closet full dresses in various styles, a vanity full of makeup which I can expertly apply and a shelf of heels and pretty flats in which I can walk with ease. Quite a change in only four years.

I had a similar reaction to a comment my boyfriend made a few months ago. We were talking about our laziness, which for me means pushing back the time I get out of bed as far as possible. “And yet your makeup is always impeccable,” he replied. We were living in a small town with an eighth of our belongings at the time, and I had been working full-time as a children’s camp counselor which meant I had not worn so much as mascara in over a month.  At first I was taken aback, but later I wrote it off as being a mix of how beautiful he thinks I am with guys’ misunderstanding of “natural” makeup and comments made by jealous girls with secret foundation.  I pushed away the thoughts that he was calling me high-maintenance.

Why do I feel hurt by being considered “girly”? I feel like I can’t be tough, because I’m too fragile, or deep, because I’m too focused on appearances, or respected, I’m too frivolous, while I’m being girly. Are these perceptions my own, built up from years of being the kid who always had dirt under her nails,  or ones society has pushed on me? I know they aren’t true, that girly girls can be tough, deep and respected but I feel like it happens so rarely that most people assume otherwise.

Do other girls feel as I do? Perhaps not those on extremes of the spectrum but the ones in the middle like me.

I am about to help my sister with her spa party, an occasion which has been declared as girly as possible, and when I paint the nails of those 12-year-old girls I’ll be hoping they don’t fall into the same thinking patterns as me.

white noise

My hands are tarred grey
with time and space
From building a wall of
Silence
Between myself and
Substance.

Else Where

You,

He mumbles eyes shining in the dark

You,

He laughs lashes dancing in the air

You,

He moans mouth lingering in the moment

You,

He whispers ears resting in the quiet

You,

He coos hair tumbling in the light

You,

He says,

are Something Else.

that’s only because,

I reply,

You,

are Everything Else.

I resolve to have a fantastic 2012

It’s almost a rule that everyone needs to write a list of resolutions on the eve of New Years. I suppose it’s as good of time as any. These are some of my goals for the upcoming months:

1. Ace all of my courses

How you gonna do that? A) Contact administration to set up an appointment by Jan. 15 B) Actually show up to all of my classes C) Finish reports at least a day before they are due D) Contact tutor two weeks before midterms and finals to make sure I’m ready

2. Get ready for the summer

How you gonna do that? A) Have plans for vacation researched by March 15th (NYC, baby!), this year make sure I’m in town for Bluesfest B) Look at other job options, have government forms in by Jan 5th

3. Write more

How you gonna do that? Dedicate a half hour every Saturday and Sunday to writing something be it a story, a blog post, a poem, whatever.

4. Save money

How you gonna do that? A) Using my folder, keep track of all my purchases. B) Put a quarter of every paycheque into savings.

5. Get organized

How you gonna do that? A) Write dates and tasks unto calender, day planner. B) Give myself a half hour every Sunday to clean my room C) Stay on top of my laundry, don’t wait to run out of clothes to clean them

6. Abs

How you gonna do that? A) Figure out gym schedule with friends by the second week of school, aim for three times a week B) Fifteen minutes of plank and crunches every night.

 

All Night

I can’t sleep. Again. And it is now 7:04 AM.

I’ve been trying to piece together what it wrong with my brain, schedule, diet or general well being that’s causing such a strange sleep pattern to no avail. Although I do know I won’t be sleeping tomorrow night due to chemistry related nightmares. They are the worst. Trust.

Once exams are over I think I am going to look into nonprescription sleep aids.

Collection

I’ve started a collection:

Of sunbeams on your eyelashes
Of oceans on your irises
Of whispers on your earlobes
Of starlight on your hair
Of memories on your nose
Of symphonies on your lips
Of tales on your tongue
Of smiles on your teeth
Of breaths on your collarbones
Of sanctuaries on your palms
and
Of todays in my dreams.

I have the most beautiful gallery.

Exhale

Euphoria, the source of inspiration

a brain filled with unending sky, breathing alone.

Melancholy, the panging of existence

a mind swelled with cold oxygen, breathing alone.